learned the hard way not to go to people with my problems since it always just bites me in the ass later on....so im not goin to tell anyone anything anymore whether it has to do with my fiance child or childs father who wants to sign away his rights.............what the fuck ever im at point where i dont give a god damn fuck about anything........tired of the drama and the bullshit...........i am in love and happy and so is my son and thats all that i care about anymore.......its fuckin me time now and im not lettin anyone change that or mess it up.........and i doubt ill write on here much more cuz i dont feel the need to tell people certain shit and things get mixed in with it and me get shit on later for it like i have in the past............TRUST NOBODY.......they always screw the trust up........i trust my son and my fiance THE LOVES OF MY LIFE

update on my life

WOW SO IT HAS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I WROTE ON HERE.......hold that thought austin just woke up.....its 10pm and he went down for what was supposed to be a nap at 4pm......ok hes fine he went back to sleep lol....anyways hes been gettin better at saying words and walking around holding onto furniture....hes so big i cant believe it is almost 9 months ago that i had him!!!our first halloween sucked ass lets not go there so please dont ask!anyway hes eating stage 3 foods and eats some of the graduates snacks (the ones that dissolve instantly) hes learning to chew it and eats the crackers 2.....we are trying the sippy cup transistion at least for when he is eating baby food or snacks he will have that and then when he has milk give the bottle well hes not to sure bout the nipple on the sippy cup(i got the ones that are very soft) and with him chewing on everthing thats all he does so far with that...soooo hes not quiet there yet but thats ok......i am laid off again for yet another 9days...and will be again for 3weeks of december unless by some miracle they ask me to work.....im still fighting to get child support from austins biological father...i say that because he does not do anything for my son he has not acted like a father at all....owell nuff bout him....then there is brandon...the love of my life...my everything i got to talk to him today and was very happy about it....he bought a prepaid cell phone over there and gave me the number and country code so i can call him when i want.....granted he cant answer everytime btu i can at least leave him messages saying i love him for him to hear later when he has time.......anyway today is saturday night right.............well 2morrow is sunday nov 2nd..........the biggest day of me and brandons life............hes asking my dad permission to take my hand in marriage in march when hes home for leave....hes not really wanting to do it over the phone BUT this is only way he can before march knowing that we can do it lol.....and since i was a little girl i always wanted the guy to ask my dad before i did anything....not just cuz its right or tradition but just always been a wish of mine.....along with my dream dress with a really long train.....brandon is not in kuwait anymore he is where he needs to be to start fightin for war....he will be going into battle on the 5th from what im told.....but i am very excited for 2morrow and for march and i can not wait to meet my future mother in law and brother in law.....they already love me and austin they always tell me lol.....his mom is soooooo excited she gets a grandchild lol and told brandon that when he gets back next october she wants more.....gosh i hope she dont want millions lol cuz 2 is my max......3 tops anymore than that get your own lol


but thats the latest thats my life.......thats all we got

my soldier

so it has been 2weeks since brandon left....it feels like forever...i miss him so much i dont even kno how to explain it...and i love that while hes in kuwait for a couple weeks he can call me unlike whe nhe goes to bagdad he wont be able to as much....he said he has been writing me but is doing it in journal form which is fine idc lol.....and said once he has a few pages written he will mail it out instead of sending me a letter everyday with just a little writing which to me either way idc what kind of letter i get lol and we got one of those magazines in the mail other day from figi (which they so the whole cheese and sausage packs they do round holidays) and i thought hmmmm wonder if they will ship that stuff to iraq cuz if they do then id send him a bigger package and then he can share it all with the boys.....well the ones i like and kno anyway lol....they deserve it and im sure theyd love some real food.....anyways he called on monday and i had him on speakerphone OMG u should have seen lil austin he kept looking around for brandon since he heard his voice and didnt kno it was coming from my phone at first he just kept looking around and talking as he was askin me mommy wheres my brandon.....it was adorable then when he figured out it was the phone he was all about tryin to get to my phone....ya dont think he misses brandon do ya lol since thats all he knows since his real dad is well we wont get into that today............fucker have fun supportin a dog maybe ull do that better than my son..........i mean ummmmmm anyways back to the love of my life lol next time he calls hes going to talk to dad and ask dad if he can have my hand in marriage since he hadnt asked yet and i dont want to plan on doing anything and have him wait till march and dad say no(not that he would) but still itd be a waste lol.....but we decided that in march since we are short on time for leave we will just do the whole courthouse thing in pennsylvania and then go to dinner with his family afterwards and then when he gets back from iraq for good we will do the CAV wedding(military wedding) with the guys who make an isle with there swords and uncross them as we walk thru and then the last guy to do that i guess hits me on the ass after were done walkin thru with his sword(idk y they just do) kinda like a congrats or good game thing lol but i told brandon he could have his military wedding since i pretty much get wtvr i want outside of the ceremony.......rings, dress, cake, whatever i want which is odd cuz im sooo not used to a guy treating me all the time i was always one to take care of the guys i have been with....but this time im gettin treated like i should be and taken care of like i should be along with austin.....sooo now we just sit by the phone and wait for brandon to call and talk to my dad and then tell me what dad says and go from there............i love you brandon jay morse with all my heart u come home to me soon and safe.........your lil buddy loves and misses u 2

YAY

i got to talk to my baby today!! thank god i was on break at work to talk to him....and then he told me not to worry cuz he will be able to call me on sundays!!! thanks god i was worried there for a min and then he also told me that he has his mid tour leave march 1-15 and he wants to get married then!!! ahhhhh 5 months!!! i have 5 months to plan shit!!! holy hell i dont kno how im gonna pull that off but i will......but thats ok he made my day and made me smile all day i was soooo happy....and austin is crawling like crazy and then on top of that hes standing up!!!! he had a hold of the play pen and stood up!!! i am not ready for this lil man to walk yet lol but thats ok......well thats all for now off to bed lol gotta get up again nice and early for work before i have a week off since there doin a shut down at work cuz way economy is sooooo yea i get laid off for a week and then few more times before january....GREAT lol

not easy

soooo i havent seen brandon since thursday night.....it really sucks....i hate it and i want him back from iraq right now.....he called a lil bit ago and i didnt recognize the number so i ignored it...it was him calling me from a calling card....hes in kuwait right now will be there a few days before they throw him into the fire but he said hes doin ok and he will call later as they arent doing anything i hope he does so i can talk to him...well i kno ill never ignore a call again!!!! even if im at work lol ill say ummm brb idc hes more important than a damn job!!! he also was seeing if austin was doing ok....as those 2 are attached at the damn hip they are inseperable LITERALLY!!! they both go thru withdrawls without each other.....he also told me that he loved me (which i knew) but still nice to hear...i keep lookin at all the pics that we have and have taken lol.....i have his kat von d blanket he had and his comforter on my bed....i snuggle with them cuz they smell like him and guess what u kno how the scent leaves eventually....well he gave me his bottle of colonge that way i can spray it when its gone!!!! so now itll always smell like him!!! i love it....and well its been a week and a day since ive been engaged!!!!! yes u read that right ENGAGED!!!!! he asked me the last weekend we were together in front of everyone....we were at a cook out with like 20plus of his guy friends in army plus all the gfs or wives and he got down n asked me in front of all of them...and of course i said yes...i have my pics up on myspace!!! now the only part of it is that i will eventually have to tell mike......dun dun dun.....dunno when or how but i kno EVENTUALLY ill have to tell him.....not for his blessing cuz regardless im going to be with who i love and everything but i still have to tell him 4 austins sake....not that he may care or want to hear it but its out of respect to let him kno.....the hardest part of it all tho is when its time to make the big move to pa.....how in the world will that work tellin mike that HA.....anyways i think im doing a lil better than i thought i would be these couple days but i have been keeping myself very very very busy and not letting myself think about it all....works going good...been driving the fork lift all week cuz thats what they hired me to do soooo ive got that down now there just puttin me into different departments at a time to train more....and learn where shit goes and possible fill in spots if someone calls in sick.....my austin is now 22 lbs 8oz and is 28 n a half inches long....dad took him to wic appt for me as i was at work....i got to get a new car seat tho as they said hes to big for one we have....FRICKIN A yea i gotta save at LEAST 140 bucks for one....owell hes worth it lol....well i think thats pretty much it for now.....now to just sit by the phone and wait for my love my life and my soldier to call me........oh yea austin crawls....says momma, dadda(havent told mike that yet) ummmm sits up great and is startin to try to use the sippy cup lol not going well all he does is just chew on the nipple....owell thats the latest!!

short n sweet

well im working.....done with orientation 2morrow then do training for 5weeks then off on my own to drive fork truck and will work first shift during training n then 2nd after that which is fine......and brandons leavin me next week.....i hate it...............like i said short n sweet

update

sooo its been awhile since ive done a blog soooo i will update ya on whats goin on......lets see im still with brandon and things are still goin as strong as ever....hes amazing!!!! he said he loves me and austin both with all his heart and cant imagine life without us...and we have talked bout the whole marriage deal....he siad hes goin to ask my dad when he gets back and i think its soooo funny cuz i kno how nervous he will be just askin my dad to dinner just to ask =) but i love him alot and hes the best thing to happen to me since well my son.....and i wouldnt have things any other way in my life right now...yea it sux that hes leavin for iraq but we plan on gettin me a laptop with webcam sooo that i can see him and talk to him...and then when he gets back it will be our laptop(obviously)....but he put me on his life insurance deal meanin if he dies in iraq i get 200,000bucks....which is fine but id rather have him than the money but he said he did that so he knew me and austin would be taken care of.....i lvoe his braclet he bought me and the meaning behind it and the necklace he bought that he hung on my rear view mirror.....he has also bought me a few nice shirts for us to go out in.....and at first i argue and tell him no dont spend money but i give in eventually cuz i kno i wont win...im just not used to guys buyin me stuff all the time...cuz well i was always the one to spend the money and buy things.....lets see austin is almost 7mo old and doctor said hes doing great....he is sooo funny sometimes when he laughs....and its usually bout nothing i could be changing his outfit and he will giggle....yea hes crazy i kno....but right now hes sick which sucks but i got medicine for him and stuff and i caught it b4 it got to bad sooooo shouldnt take long to get rid of it....poor baby....mikes a pain in my ass most days than not lately but guess thats what happens when u have a kid with him hahahaha anyways ummmmmmmmm i dont kno what else to update ya on....oh yea ill be startin work monday....itll be hard leavin austin but at same time I GET A BREAK EVERYDAY FOR 8 HOURS OR MORE lol......YAY....and i guess u could say in a yr ill be engaged and plannin on gettin married to the most amazing guy!!.....we have already looked at stuff cuz i wanna see what he likes and i didnt want a big big big wedding or HUGE cake and stuff but i think thats gonna happen anyway cuz the cakes he was pickin out....ARE HUGE!!!!! but i love them lol and he showed me style of dress he likes which i loved them to......and we agreed on harley invitations hahaha see not to girly and we both will like it.....and he even came up with idea of outside wedding and have my dad ride me up the isle on harley instead of walk me BUT i dont think so....its a cool thought but then my hair and vail could get messed up and my dress could 2 and we cant have that now can we lol........well off to bed GOT A DAMN MIGRANE AND HAVE SINCE THURSDAY AND NOTHING HELPS...brandon says its cuz i dont drink water WHATEVER i dont think so.........i kno its all this STRESS....but after i start work i think itll go down alot.....


see brandon as much as i can, go to work, see brandon fly off in a chopper and cry cry cry, then work some more and stay busy to get mind off of brandon bein gone........................good night

<3Brandon<3

wow what can i say...or where should i start.....well first off hes amazing...hes one of the FEW nice guys out there....he is a true gentlemen....he opens doors, pays for everything(not used to either of those), its just simply amazing....he bought my son a high chair which he didnt have to but he did and i love him for that....hes great with my son...my family loves him....he lets my niece and nephews use him as a jungle gym....its sooooo cute....he holds my hand and loves to cuddle...hes not afraid to tell me how he feels...and hes not afraid to stick up for me or afraid of my dad.....lol in fact they get along well....almost to well....he drives an hr each way to see me everyday of every weekend....which with gas prices its not cheap and then on top of that he takes me out and buys my son things.....how awsome is that.....the only and i mean only bad thing i have seen or found is the whole him havin to deploy oct 2nd.....im not sure how i am going to handle this but all my friends just keep tellin me to stay busy and the time will fly....i hope they are right and i will get to talk to him on the phone and computer still sooooo that will help me alot and i can let him see how austins growing.....he calls austin his lil buddy....its soooooo cute.....yea i kno what ur thinkin and no he will not replace his dad but i will let him take care of him as if he was his father and if my son chooses to call someone else dad thats on him and i wont stop him.....after all we kno his dad dont do crap for him.....besides tell what STORIES.....anyways back to brandon lol hes already told me when he gets back next year that hes coming back for me and austin and wants to start a life back home(pennsylvania)which is fine with me....and he told me he wanted to keep me forever.....we have mentioned the whole kid and marriage thing.....and he wants one of each soooooo maybe he will think of austin as the boy so i dont have to pop out 2 more lol just one.....and pray its a girl hahahaha and then will talk details on marriage when he gets back.........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is all happening and i never thought it would...i truely believe that he is the one and hes who i will be with for rest of my life......crazy how u can kno that right away.....but thats all she wrote for now lol

my life, my boyfriend, my soldier, my hero, come home to me as soon as you can so we can be the best and where we want to be....together forever

gotta take the good with the bad

sooooo good news even tho u already kno lol......i have a physical test with goodyear thurs morning....its 4hrs long ICK but my dads friend said most ppl dont even pass the assessment let alone get a chance to take physical and i pretty much have the job....sooooo i will be working at goodyear YAY ME....and i have an amazing boyfriend whos name is brandon.....omg seriously hes gorgeous, hes very sweet, opens all the doors, calls me maam(which i broke him of) cuz that was just wierd for me.....he loves kids...HELLO HUGE PLUS....my family absolutely loves him...dads request is for him to come over for dinner sooooo friday thats what hes doin and we are havin steak lol hey if im gonna fill his belly gotta do it the right way....after all they say best way to win a mans heart is thru his tummy why not with a steak right lol....anyway hes great and im sooooooo happy....and i have not been in a long time....and my son likes him to which is good lol....and i get a suprise friday lol he wont tell me what it is damnit i hate when guys do that.....MEANIES....anyway hes even said if i need anything for austin (if i cant get it) and its within his power to let him kno and he will go out and get it.....WOW crazy right.....what guy does that if its not his kid.....anyway thats all the great news in life.....NOW THE BAD.......soooo my uncle died 24 days ago as u kno was taken away from us by bone cancer.....well im still grieving from that and i wear his powmia braclet that vets wear that my dad let me have.....and well a girl in high school that had down syndrom died saturday from a siezure....only 23yrs old......and she was the biggest sweetheart ever....her wake is 2morrow night and funeral thursday and of course i cant go to funeral as of goodyear test.....and then on top of all of that my cousin calls us today and tells us that he was taking his mom off of life support in an hr........he went to her house yesterday and she wouldnt answer him at the door or anything he had to break in and find his mother....she had a massive heart attack, a severe stroke, and that led to her havin a brain anurism......there was no way she would ever make it so they decided to take her off the life support....he called us back at 630 our time and had told us she had passed away 40mins prior to the call.......my uncle who wanted to meet austin soooo bad was not able to but my aunt was so she can tell him all about him and they both can watch over austin now......and in the words of my cousin "i guess she really wanted to be with her hunny" and this is why if i ever get married id have to die first.............rip uncle robo, wendi sue cushing, and aunt jeannette........i love you all.....

sometimes in life u gotta take the good with the bad...........or as they say the good, the bad, and the ugly

sick and job

soooo my son wouldnt quit screamin saturday thru sunday morning.....i gave him tylenol for fever and dymatap cuz he seemed to be gettin a cold.....WRONG when i took him to er finally sunday morning cuz i COULD NOT listen to the screaming anymore....come to find out he had an ear infection..........GREAT....hopefully its NOT one of many....so i got him medicine and he has to take it every 8 hrs for 14days.....no more screaming yay....well then i was gettin sick and my ear had been botherin me for couple weeks but ignored it...yea well i got an ear infection to...funny thing its in same ear as austin lol....and i have sinus infection and bronchitus on top of it....YAY not....it sucks....austin seems to be gettin better which is great as for me ...........not so much......but today i took an assessment test for the topeka goodyear plant....i had worked there before during strike (which is how i met austins father) well they have been advertising forever that they need help so i applied and they told me hey come in and take this test....so i did....took 2 hrs on the computer......and then after that i will get an over the phone interview and then hair drug test which they wont find shit cuz ive never done a drug in my life lol.....sooooo yea and they are startin ppl off at 13.42 instead of 13.00 an hr which is great!!!!!! i cant wait to go to work and smell like rubber and get down and dirty......first this week gotta get better, and go on my dates with brandon(yes he wants more than one lol) and then hopefully work on monday!!!!

vegas

sooo saturday morning after i fed austin at 6 am we got a phone call....it was my cousin tellin us that my uncle had passed away an hr before....i think i took it the hardest at first....i was really close to him....and me and dad and tank(austins nick name) loaded up the car and headed to vegas.....we were in a car for 24hrs which sucked bad but i drove most of the way if not all of it...we stopped a lot to let austin stretch and change his diapers.....he ate when he wanted to but he slept most of the time which i didnt mind and i would text and drink energy drinks to stay awake so we could get here asap.....well theyre crematin my uncle 2morrow at 10am...then we are havin a party becuz thats what his request was that we had a party in his honor.....then they are having the family services on saturday which we wont be able to go to cuz we gotta get home since mom and dad are leavin monday for the bahamas....we gott get back....but my aunt told me that my uncle kept sayin he wanted to meet austin before he passed and i took that pretty hard cuz i kno how he is and knew that if that was the last thing he would have been able to do before he died its what he would have done.....but now he can see my son all day and look after him, guide him and be his guardian angel....its all pretty hard for all of us but we will always love him and remember him....infact we have a box of stuff he wanted my dad and us to have so i made the suggestion to dad of makin a memorial up in our house and dad agreed....so i will put the stuff up and honor my uncle who we all will miss and we love very much......he died at 3am on july 19th 2008 R.I.P. Pat Bertock.....robo

not sure what to title it

sooo the past week has been hell.....my son is teething and teething bad....i can not wait for this damn tooth to come all the way in....hes been screaming none stop and i give him tylenol, the orajel for babies, teethin tablets, yea doesnt fase him what so ever.....and doin all by myself sux sometimes cuz i get frustrated cuz he wont quit screamin....my dad loses his patience alot quicker then me sooo its not like i can say hey dad give me a break and my mom works all day sooo that doesnt help lol....but im going to start this job this week or next(theyre debatin on my start date) and then i will have the daycare deal with it lol my best friends mom does daycare and shes only 15mins away sooo thats good and itll be like 50-75bucks a week for daycare....which is ok i guess but id like help with payin for it....anyway austin is moving along very well now....ya gotta keep your eye on his at all times lol there is no turn around for a sec anymore...not that im complaining its kinda cute watchin him go....and i put him in his jumparoo for first time today and he loved it he just kept pushin off the floor with his feet making himself bounce but im sure that when he did that the music played soooo knowin my son he did it just to watch the lights and hear the music but man it was cheap entertainment for us today cuz he kept bouncin and giggling.....he sits in a high chair now which is great!!! he is gettin so big i love my mommas boy....and thats exactly what he is but thats ok i love that hes a mommas boy....but we dont have much room in the house for all his crap sooo we are gettin ride of the swing so i can put the jumparoo in its place....and now that my brother moved out and is on his way to cali maybe we will make the spare bedroom austins room.....but i think ill wait on that because once i start this job im moving to wamego to live with miranda and karissa (mirandas 3yr old) in a house together....which will be very exciting....and i have been playin mtch maker with miranda and found her a match,....they hit it off really well and really like each other and they both tell me theyre going to stick around lol soooo thats good i like seein her and tony happy after all they are my friends.....now i just sit and wait for that phone call from the plant to tell me when i start work then its take austin to daycare which will be very hard for me cuz i dont wanna leave my lil man all day lol ill miss him like crazy and prolly annoy mirandas mom askin about him all day...but after daycare its go to work work work make money and move move move WHOOOOO

a big mess

ok so some of you thought that i never wanted mike (austins FATHER) to see him.....that is farthest from the truth!!! i want them to see each other as much as they can right now...which is hard as i dont have the money to go up to mike and he doesnt have the money to come here either....BUT im sure once alot of shit blows over and dies down we will both be able to come to some kind of agreement for us to get austin to him or him to austin....and the whole airforce thing was never a for sure thing...and more than likely wont happen now since i will be startin this job working 10hr days 6days a week.....and maybe i can start saving after i pay off my debts which isnt much so austin can see mike more......but he also has to help me to....as i dont wanna be the one to always have to go to him....and i will never do the bus trip ever again sooo itd take longer for me to save for plane ticket.......cuz im somewhat safer on that then in the bus by myself with no protection and since i had such a bad experience last time id never do it again....they always say never say never but in this case I CAN AND WILL SAY NEVER AGAIN!!!!but anyway....we are waiting for the paperwork to be done to do the whole paternity test thing cuz thats what they gotta do to start child support(which mike told me to file for few months ago that way he knew austin would be taken care of from him) and we all kno mikes the father and im sure when the paper gets to him that he will be happy to see it on paper not that hes denied austin but anyway and im happy that he will see that and have that as the proof since he hasnt exactly had best experiences in the past(april)........and i do feel terrible that he doesnt see austin that much.....and if i could snap my fingers so he could i would do it in a heartbeat...and yea sometimes i am a bitch and yell at him cuz he dont ever ask how austin is and yea it may kill him that austins not around but id like him to see how he is and see if hes doin better with crawling and with certain foods and when he walks and gets teeth....so when i say he needs to show he cares its not that i think he doesnt its just that id like him to ask once in a while and see how his buddy is growing..........maybe this will clear some things up for some people it may not but theres nothing else i can do to please everyone and i cant please everyone......but i do kno that i have my son to please and take care of and he is my first priority then myself.......anyways hope this helps some of u understand what myself and mike are going thru and what we are dealing with at this point......

airforce

soooo i have been going back and forth tryin to decide if i wanna join the airforce reserves...and i think thats what im going to do...i will be talkin to the guys to sign up and then get everything started go out to basic for 9weeks which will be hard to leave my austin that long but he will be just fine with my sister and my parents...he needs to be home and around ppl he knows while his momma is gone....and when i get back we will go where ever they want us....i will be doing software tech for now which i wont ever have to deploy on i will stay in the states...but hey its great benefits for me and my son and i will be able to provide for him better than i can now since im doing everything by myself its hard to get him stuff i want to get him and he needs all the time and this will help with money and ill be able to do what i want in my life and BE HAPPY with my son forever!!! and i dont care what anyone thinks about this decision they can kiss my ass cuz its my life not theres and its my son not theres sooo if u dont like it i dont give a fuck :) but yea just thought id let ya guys kno that i may be doin some basic soon!!

rolling over

YAY my lil man rolls all the way over now...well has been for about 2weeks now just didnt feel like writing lately...hes gettin sooooo big he now wears 9-12month clothes the smaller onsies dont fit at all lol he can get away with wearing shirts that are 6-9 mo and pants but whole outfits yea not so much...he sleeps on his belly now which HE GETS FROM ME YAY!!!!!!!!! and he sleeps with a hand under his face at all times and HE GETS THAT FROM ME TO.....yay he is giggling a hell of a lot more and he smiles all day everyday...drinkin juice now and pretty soon here in couple weeks we will be starting the foods!!! im sooo excited....hes still teethin which is going pretty well he just chews on his hands all day haha....he takes 2 naps now instead of sleepin all day long and he plays with his toys its great...and hes learning to crawl he gets his legs under him and pushes and scoots he just needs to figure out what to do with his arms and were set to crawl....learnin to sit up great to....hes going to swimmin pool for first time this week with my sisters kids when i take them to kiddie pool soooo we shall see how he does with that he loves the bath sooo should love the pool to

my austin

well today he had his 2nd set of shots he had to get 4......he cried a hell of a lot more this time then the last and it was harder on me this time as well......i felt soooo bad but hes gotta get them....and he now is 17lbs 8oz and he is now 27 and a half inches tall.....he has grown SOOOOO much its crazy seems like yesterday that he was 8lbs 10oz and 21.5inches when i had him......and doctor said he looks great and is getting along fine and is ahead of most 4month olds.....soooo maybe he will be a smart kid after all.lol hed have to get that from his father....hmmmmm another trait from daddy.....damnit where am i at in this kid....lol owell i love him no matter what!!! just thought id update on my lil man

im feeling great about myself

well as a few of u know i have been doing better now....i feel great and am actually finding that happiness again that i once lost....i got my hair cut and i think that helped alot to....call me crazy but i feel pretty now lol i have more confidence than i normally do and i am getting better at it also and i am loving life right now....i have select few friends that i am very happy i have in my life felicia, miranda, misty(my sister).......i have lost a few also bcuz they didnt want me to move or be happy in life and just wanted me to stay depressed in life with them and i chose not to do that cuz im better than that.....soooo i moved on and moved on to better things in life and im starting school soon to.....its going to be good for me 2...and going back to work soon....go me lol

my lil guy

my baby is getting soooo big i cant believe it...i cant imagine that its been 4months sincei had him it seriously doesnt seem like its been that long....i love my lil man more than anyone in this world....he is my everything....he is now wearing clothes that are 6-9 mo but can fit some 9-12 mo outfits....isnt that crazy!!!! hes going to be a big boy(not fat) just tall and everything.....and on monday he gets his 2nd set of shots :( i hate takin him to go get shots.....one of these times im gonna be in minnesota when he needs to get them and make his daddy take him and have to hear him scream and cry as they poke him with a bunch of needles.....damn nurses and doctors....but he is doing very well and hes sucha happy baby!!! he is always smiling and laughing and he sometimes gets sooo excited that he lets out these squeels that are ear piercing but i love him all the same....he is trying so hard to sit up on his own.....he can roll over and everything a 4mo old can do...hes going to be a very talkative child i can tell now cuz he is always talkin from time he wakes up in morning till he goes to bed...and i love it cuz he sleeps all thru the night.....he can go to bed at 930 and be out till 7 and sometimes if i put in his nuk while i make his bottle and come back in my room hes back alseep and is out till 9.....which helps me out so then i can catch up on lost sleep....just thought id give an update on my lil man

true friends and family

so i went to minnesota as most of you know for a couple weeks for a wedding and for austin to be with his father....well while up there i finally made up my mind about moving up there....well the people i thought would be behind me no matter what arent and backed out on me and my life....my supposadly best friend wont even talk to me anymore because i want to go and be happy and do what is best for me and my son...most friends would support u right? WRONG the only friend i have that supports it is felicia....and i love her for that and out of all my family 2 of my sisters are supportive about it...misty and margaret both wanna see me happy and know that going up there will make me happy....and im telling everybodt if u dont like it i dont need u...u wont support me fine i dont need u either.........im doing what i want in life for once not what everyone wants me to do....and if its starting over with the person i love and starting from friends and gaining a relationship from there so be i dont care i will do whatever it takes.........and most of you dont like it or approve of it and thats your deal not mine...and then i have friends who say i dont care what u do with your life anymore........gee thanks for fucking bein there for me...ill remember that when u need me and i walk away from u.....i dont care who wants me in there life or not anymore....i know who i want in mine and im going to let it happen....they dont want u in there life why let them be in urs.....all i have to do is get money for a uhaul, gas money, and i am on my way there........i have a couple different places i can stay till i get an apt for me and austin.....anyone wanna donate to the "get austin to his daddy foundation"? lol ok i tried least i could do right......well i dont know what else to say on this subject but the fact that im going to do what i want to do regarldless of what people think..........peace out bitches

UGH

soooo for the past week and a half my son had been having really nasty diapers we figured ok its that tooth thats trying to come in that we would see......well then we get hom from our trip and he just starts to projectile puke everywhere....i take him to the doctor yesterday and they dont say much of anything besides give stool sample and to give him just pedialite and water....well i have been doing that since last night....they still havent called about results for sample they wanted i called them and all they say is we will call u tomorrow....he is getting worse...the diapers are worse and he is puking alot more......the only thing he can keep down is the pedialite and water at this point.....i had him in my bed last night and will again tonight and until he gets better.....after he pukes he spits up a bunch of mucus soooo thats why i want him in my bed just in case i dont hear him get sick or i can get to him faster if he starts choking which he has done everytime he gets sick and then it takes him a good while before he can catch his breath.....on a good note the diaper rash he developed from using scented diapers (ooops) and him shitting everywhere literally has cleared up from the prescription that doc gave....its a mix of 3 things.....zinc ointment, maalox and something i cant pronounce sooooo thats good!!! but i just want my lil man to get better i feel sooooo bad that he is sick.....and all he wants is his momma and to be held which is fine i will hold him anytime he needs me!!!

starting off with this

there are a very select few people that i can and will tolerate in my life.....besides my sister, bro in law, my son, mike(austins daddy) and his family other than that i dont really let a whole lot of people into my life....i have a hard time trusting people and letting people into my life.....once i do get to know people i am outgoing and will let them in....until then i shut down and dont let you in.....i love these people in my life very much....they mean the world to me....i love my son with all my heart and wouldnt change a thing about him or take him back for anything.....next on my list is my sister and bro in law...the have helped me soooo much thru everything in my life along with austin....next would be mike...i would do anything for this man regardless of what people think or say...as far as im concerned if you dont like it you can kiss my ass lol and then it would be brian and mel and there kids.....they are amazing and also have helped me put things out there with mike and have me tell him how i feel and now that i have i feel alot better and i thank them for that....anyone else that i really didnt mention doesnt mean i dont need u in my life or dont love you but there are some of you who i would rather kick your ass and tell u to get the hell out of my life but thats a whole other story...ill explain that part in another blog of mine lol.....mel helped me set this up so i have a way of letting things out rather than bottling them up and blowing up on people or maybe its sooo i dont txt her all day venting lol if you dont like anything that i say on here then dont read it and kindly go away :) its as simple as that

MY SON

HE IS SO CUTE!!